So you finally said how you really felt

and felt horrible after? That's normal. Great job embracing your courage!

Saying how you really feel isn’t easy at all.

Especially when we were taught to shut down and silence ourselves to become more palatable to people around us.

When this happens, our nervous system learns it’s unsafe to experience feelings - and especially to express them. So it shuts down and numbs us not to feel anything at all. Any impulse for self-expression becomes a dangerous enterprise, and everything feels like a major risk - of being rejected, ostracised, “too much.”

All these deeply held beliefs of “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not worthy,” “I’m a terrible person” start showing up.

Of course they do: you were conditioned to use these defenses - sometimes long before you learned to speak.

When we finally allow ourselves to start feeling, and then tell others how we feel - that can be overwhelming at first.

Honestly, it can feel pretty damn horrible.

Very far from what social media teaches you about how “good” just being yourself is supposed to feel like.

Because you’ve never done it before.

Remember the last time you started a new sport? Or a hobby? Chances are, your first session sucked. It hurt. You were trying to use your body in a new way and felt like a toddler who doesn’t have good enough coordination.

Same with your psyche:

Rewriting your nervous system takes time, effort & repetition.

It’s literally new pathways you’re creating in your brain. So your mind will give you every excuse to stop and resort to the patterns it already knows well - defend & avoid. Our safety depended on this for too long!

But this is the nature of inner work. We need to have enough inherent motivation to proceed - that’s why people usually start when they experience some kind of rock-bottom event (a breakup, a job loss) or have something big at stake, like entering a new exciting relationship.

And that’s why external motivation doesn’t really work.

How many clients I’ve seen who were dragged to therapy by their friends or family don’t actually proceed when it comes to going deeper into the process…

It’s never easy. But it leads through the crucible to transformation - if you continue.

So next time you touch your true emotion, understand what wasn’t working for you, and want to change your life - stay with the discomfort and fear that arises.

Get curious.

Understand where its root is.

So you can expand your window of tolerance and make a move. Tell the truth. Set a boundary.

Your job is to continue holding yourself through this discomfort. You’re learning a new skill - and that’s never easy.